By, Rachel Goldman, PhD
One of the roughest growth edges in the adjustment to parenthood often can be one of the least anticipated. You buy the things, you read the baby books, you take the classes, you set up the nursery, you make your birth plan. And you feel as ready as you are going to be. But on the other side of those first few months, and beyond, is a complex, multifaceted feeling that many parents may struggle to acknowledge, “I miss the old me.” It’s impossible to truly prepare for the shift in identity that comes along with parenthood. There is grief in the loss of “‘what was, and what will never be again,” the missing of yourself, your body, your relationships, and your freedom. Part of what feels so confusing about these feelings is the dissonance around “I’m not supposed to feel this way.” There are many underlying assumptions in our society that parents are so full of joy, so grateful, and so fulfilled for what they have that they shouldn’t ever miss the before moments, or tempt themselves with the scary questions of “why did I do this to myself?” By: Rachel Goldman, PhD
Self-compassion is a crucial element in surviving (and eventually thriving in) parenthood. Loosely defined, it is the act of giving yourself patience, kindness, empathy, love, and understanding as you move through the intensity and complexities of your “new normal.” Translating self-compassion into reality, however, often is fraught and filled with missteps: “should have” thoughts, “wish I were like…” self-comparisons, second-guessing, and self-judgment. Why is it so difficult for parents to give themselves grace? Perhaps it’s because parenthood puts your before life in a washing machine – swooshing everything around, soaking your prior self, and spinning things on high until you don’t know which way is up. You are jolted back into reality, except, now, everything has changed. For many, your before ways of coping kick into gear – pushing through challenges, casting aside feelings that don’t feel useful, relying on logic rather than intuition, and setting unrealistic expectations. You charge into the unknowns of parenthood with a steadfast internal image of how you want to be. The epitome, in your head, of what it means to be a good parent. By Jennifer Newman, PhD
Have you felt judged, been criticized, offered suggestions, or given unsolicited advice that you don’t need, at a time you are barely making it through the day? ... Know that you are not alone. Don’t fall prey to the hype. Don’t read the blogs, the social media posts, the interviews, the books that make you believe you are doing it all wrong. Don’t shame scroll on social media to feel bad that you haven’t baked, crafted, or walked together today holding hands. Don’t buy into the fantasy picture of parenting during a pandemic ... It’s not real. |
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