It’s okay to miss your old life: Parenting Edition. So what do you do?

By, Rachel Goldman, PhD

One of the roughest growth edges in the adjustment to parenthood often can be one of the least anticipated. You buy the things, you read the baby books, you take the classes, you set up the nursery, you make your birth plan. And you feel as ready as you are going to be. 

But on the other side of those first few months, and beyond, is a complex, multifaceted feeling that many parents may struggle to acknowledge, “I miss the old me.”

It’s impossible to truly prepare for the shift in identity that comes along with parenthood. There is grief in the loss of “‘what was, and what will never be again,” the missing of yourself, your body, your relationships, and your freedom. Part of what feels so confusing about these feelings is the dissonance around “I’m not supposed to feel this way.”

There are many underlying assumptions in our society that parents are so full of joy, so grateful, and so fulfilled for what they have that they shouldn’t ever miss the before moments, or tempt themselves with the scary questions of “why did I do this to myself?”

But let’s face the realities: Parenthood can be wonderful. And tough. And tiring. And depleting. And filled with happiness. And stress. And overwhelm. And every single feeling across the emotional spectrum. You lose choice, agency, power, decision-making, rest, and all of that comes with heartache, exhaustion, and burnout. Maybe this is why so many parents are struggling (for additional context in this capacity, the New York Times recently published an article in October 2024, “The Parents Aren’t All Right”, diving deeper into this issue).

This begs the question, what do you do about it? How do you tolerate all of the above while still being present and reclaiming your sense of self?

I’ve often joked with clients that I wish I could wave a magic wand to make all the messy, hard feelings go away. But these are the parts of you that are begging to be heard, felt, and seen. And they could really need some TLC. So, with some small tweaks interwoven into your daily life, you can begin to cultivate emotional conditioning. All of this can help you to feel more integrated in your sense of self and able to tackle the hard stuff that comes along with parenting.

Here are some strategies to get you started:

1. Nurturing yourself. What a basic and silly idea that often is one of the first things that goes out the window as a parent. But as rudimentary as this sounds, it’s crucial.

• Prioritize basic needs: sleep & rest; and nourishment of body and soul 
• Curate your space so that it's grounding and relaxing: low lighting; calm music; soothing scents; soft clothing; a warm beverage  
• Take pauses, as small as they may be: deep breaths; walks; a shower; sit still or quiet; watch a show; spend time with friends

 2. Feeling your feelings. This one can feel scary, and may not be most parents’ natural inclinations when they are exhausted. But it takes a lot of cognitive/emotional/and mental energy to avoid feelings, when feelings are one of the most foundational tools we have. They guide us, providing signals about what we need, what we want, and what we’re afraid of. Rather than ignoring or shutting down those instincts, it can be so important to feel them and acknowledge them. Giving yourself permission to feel the entire range of emotional experience will inevitably help you to feel a greater sense of connection with yourself. 

• Let yourself have a good cry or be angry
• Express what’s going on for you with safe people around you, even if you aren’t quite sure what you’re feeling
• Sit in the discomfort of “I’m having a hard day or I miss my old life” because it’s okay

 3. Healthy boundary setting. As a parent, often your needs get lost in the mix, and are not front and center. You have a tiny human (or several tiny humans) very vocally seeking you out day and night, and it’s generally not feasible to delay the needs of those tiny humans. But there will be moments and points when you are surrounded by other adults in your life (partners, family, colleagues, friends), when you will need to say no. Saying no is a privilege and it is also a basic right. You can’t be everything for everyone all the time. 

• Identify what your limits are (considering division of labor, emotional bandwidth, mental load, work/childcare responsibilities, etc)
• Find ways to express what you need (or don’t need). Maybe your no will really be a maybe, or a yes (e.g., in service of taking care of yourself)
• ​Reframe boundary setting as a communication of your worth and value, which can ultimately feel empowering 
• ​Grant yourself permission to feel uncomfortable in the face of your no -- it is usually not easy to do, at least at first
• ​Remember that it’s never all or nothing. You can say no right now, with openness to adapt and recalibrate as your needs change

It’d be wonderful to imagine that these suggestions could eradicate the grief and struggle that many parents experience in yearning for those prior versions of themselves. There is no way around the truth that many parts of yourself are disrupted during the transition to parenthood. But moments of self-preservation and wellbeing can give you the opportunity to be you, apart from being a parent. Bit by bit, you can begin to scaffold a version of yourself that holds space for everything – the prior blissfully unaware you, the current changing, growing, can’t un-know what you now know you, and the future wiser, sturdier, you. 

And, the more we shift our attitudes around what feelings are permissible to have as a parent, the more we amplify our voices and foster a necessary paradigm shift around the experience of parenthood.

Dr. Rachel Goldman is a licensed clinical psychologist at J&L Psychology with training in perinatal mental health and supporting parenting relationships. She is currently offering individual therapy as well as short-term targeted couples therapy geared toward couples at different stages of life planning: long-term commitment; engagement and preparing for marriage; starting a family; preparing for a baby; and navigating pregnancy, postpartum, and beyond. To schedule a consultation, please call J&L at (646) 609-6323 or submit an inquiry at [email protected].
Additional Resource Information:
Parental Mental Health & Well-Being | HHS.gov
U.S. Surgeon General Issues Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents | HHS.gov
The Parents Aren’t All Right - The New York Times